


San Francisco: 2027

by mirambella



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Adults, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Non Explicit Sex, Parenthood, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Teacher Charlie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirambella/pseuds/mirambella
Summary: That night marked the eight anniversary since he (and Charlie) were crowned Kings of Liberty High. He could say he was enjoying (finally) a proper, normal life.OrThey broke up years ago but destiny is a bitch
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Estela de la Cruz/Tyler Down
Comments: 109
Kudos: 139





	1. Familiar faces

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be longer than the first one but I had this idea in my mind for a while now.  
> Mild angst with a happy ending. Enjoy!!  
> Feed back is appreciated

Everybody remembers their first love. It plays like a movie in their mind, time to time, with fondness. Not always, but most of the time it is considered a happy, innocent time or at least a time to learn and grow up.

Charlie was polite, thoughtful and kind, like a ray of Sunshine. There was nothing wrong in him, not darkness (just maybe the fact that he was too perfect and that seemed impossible). He believed in them. In the distance and even those minutes before breaking up. And they cried so much. Together, first and then alone when Alex left and never called back. It was for the best.

Seven months and one beautiful summer in the middle. It was curious how that short period of time could leave a handprint in somebody's heart. Too many memories.  
After, college, graduation and building a CV like a refuge. Hiding the trauma, death and damage in the foundations, lying in the face of employers to get a proper job and act like an adult.

  
Alex knew how young the pain could reach a teen, how dark was the mind of the loner, the bullying victim, the struggle of the anxious. And those past experiences gave him the job of his dreams in a community centre in San Francisco. He could even afford a tiny apartment far from the town centre. He sighted, relieved for the independence.

It never worked with anyone. Boyfriends came and went like leafs in the autumn.In his new life, that didn't matter. He just found a purpose and followed it against everything. And that affected his relationships, friendship and love interests kept on the side. It was easier that way, comforting.

That night marked the eight anniversary since he (and Charlie) were crowned Kings of Liberty High. He was thinking that while drinking wine and listening to old rock on his barely new coach. His mind was quiet, his breaths constant. He could say he was enjoying (finally) a proper, normal life.

However, deep in the corners of his mind, longing was growing significantly. He wasn't blind. He saw happy couples all the time, on the streets, doing the shopping or enjoying the sunny parks in the city. He just put all his efforts in ignoring that feeling.  
The next morning was chaotic. Alex had fallen sleep in the sofa and his neck was cracking, furthermore he had a presentation about bullying in some inclusive school in the suburbs. And on top of that, he was late.

He ran through the noisy cars and greeted the secretary and the school principal.  
" Class thirty, mister Standall. It is year four"  
" thank you, sir" He jumped up the staircase, two steps at once and along the corridor in searching of the class. It was, luckily close enough, so he stopped and opened the door like hurricane Katrina had just stormed inside. Twenty pairs of curious eyes looked at him like being hypnotised. There was no trace of an adult   
" Sorry, kids. I'm late"  
And then, in slow motion, like those sappy movies like to do, a tall figure, a known but changed one appeared from the back.  
" Alex?"  
" Charlie!?" He wanted to hug him. His voice was like maple syrup. And that beard, oh shit, it looked so good on him, it was short, between auburn and ginger and really popped his eyes, but the best (or worst) part was his smile. Kind and sparkly and true as he remembered.

" Do you know him mister St George?" a little girl asked  
" I used to..." his blue eyes were fixed on Alex, who was blushing like he had fire inside. He hadn't combed his hair that morning and he was regretting that already, and the jeans, and that stupid dark blue shirt that was slightly creased at the back.  
Charlie was more gorgeous than ever, with that baby pink rolled shirt, broader shoulders and hands full of ink.  
" Well, guys. This is Alex Standall, the student Councelor from San Jose Community college. He is going to speak about being nice. He might be nervous" he was, with Charlie approaching him like a predator " so we are going to clap and encourage him" The nine years old obeyed.

  
Alex couldn't help it and looked at Charlie one more time. He took his glasses of the backpack that layed at his feet just to hide behind, really, and started the class. The audience was polite and friendly. They took turns to ask questions and the talk was natural, even if Alex felt he was stuttering a few times. After one hour, the bell rang and the kids left in order, taking their recession snacks. Charlie stood from his table, picking up written questionnaires.  
" You" Alex wasn't articulate enough. Charlie laughed and he was lost forever.   
" I didn't know it was you. I promise"   
" I thought about you some times and I never pictured this but now I see... You're perfect at what you're doing" Alex couldn't help it.   
" Nah, I spoil them with fairy tales and cookies. They are totally biased"  
Alex bited his bottom lip. It had been so long and he wanted to ask so many questions that the silence won the battle.  
" I... I'm so curious" recognised Charlie " I have half an hour break, twenty five minutes if I'm realistic. I believe is not enough to sum up eight years"

It was enough for Alex. He was going to hide all the horrible relationships from Charlie. He wasn't wearing a ring, but he was at least in a loving relationship, for sure.  
" Do you want to grab coffee sometime?" He sounded so hopeful, but Charlie was like that with everybody. He remembered. " I have so many news"  
Probably incoming marriages.  
" Ummm... Yep. But I warn you my life is not that exciting"  
" Oh, come on Alex, you help young people. You achieved your full potential. I will write my number" He gave him a bright post-it, the smile never leaving his sweet face.  
" I will be sure we meet"  
He was dead.


	2. A hidden secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found the nicest beta. I hope this one is clearer.  
> Thanks to @QueenC

Alex couldn't run away from that coffee date. Not with Charlie's puppy eyes pleading for twenty minutes that day at school.

To be fair, he was pretty interested too. Even if they had finished their relationship after a heart-to-heart talk and with both agreeing it was the best option, Alex had decided not to call Charlie anymore. It was sad, but they had so much pain inside that keeping in contact felt unbearable.

They decided to meet at a small cafe close to Alex's job. It was around 6 PM and Alex was waiting outside. His right leg was restless, his brain functioning at a fast pace. 'What is he going to say?' 'I can't have a crush just now, for God's sake.' All sorts of thoughts crossed his mind. 

And then, just when he was almost sweating, Charlie appeared. He seemed happy to see Alex, and even more relaxed than the day before without twenty-something schoolers in need of attention. He even patted his shoulder before opening the door.

"You look good."

"Charlie St. George, always so gentle."

They sat at a small table and ordered some coffee. Charlie looked at Alex in a way that made him feel uncomfortable. It seemed like he was trying to find the right words.

"How's everything?" He blurted after a couple of minutes.

Alex wanted to say that he was happy, or at least proud of what he had achieved, but for a reason he couldn't understand, he was incapable of such rejoicing.

"You saw it. Everything is good, normal. I like it."

And surprisingly, Charlie was ok with that. He continued smiling, talking about the kids with sparks in his beautiful eyes. However, after a lighter chat, the question that Alex was expecting came without warnings.

"Are you... Seeing someone?" Charlie sounded shy.

"Like in... Dating?" Charlie nodded. "Not at the moment. I just moved to a tiny loft at the beginning of March. I like the independence." Alex wanted to sound confident, like somebody who's in control of their own life. Was he feeling alone at night? Yes, sometimes.

"Not even casual dating? Like, just going out and enjoying dinner... Or whatever," Alex tilted his head and looked straight to Charlie. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm in a... Time-out myself."

"We thought it was hard back then, but adulthood is not much better. I don't miss that time." Although he missed Charlie, sometimes.

"I was very happy that summer... And very miserable the next winter. I'm sorry." Charlie regretted that sentence the moment it escaped his lips. "It's not fair. I'm not blaming you for anything."

"That's fine. It was a very long time ago. We were young, and in my case, I was a fucking mess, so..."

"No. I acted like a needy child..."

It was clear that some conversation was pending between them at that moment, but after seven years it was not the time to decide who did what. They broke up because they had to, because they were not happy. The reasons didn't make sense anymore at that point.

"Don't apologize," said Charlie after a while. "We can't change it, and I wouldn't do it even if it was a possibility. I..." he started, and Alex looked at him with curiosity. "Would you come with me? I have to do something."

Charlie sounded mysterious, so Alex just followed him. They walked for about fifteen minutes engaged in banal conversations like the traffic, the weather, or the price of groceries. They stopped in front of a nursery and Charlie knocked at the door. A middle-aged woman opened the door and smiled at Charlie.

"Mr. St George! I thought nana was picking up Lucy today." 

"Oh, no, sorry. I had a..." Alex almost melted. Was he going to say he had a date? "An appointment."

"Oh, well. She is ready, for sure."

The kind woman pressed a button and a young girl came through the door, accompanied by a little girl. She let go of the girl's hand, her chocolate curls jumping in the air as she ran to Charlie, who held her in his arms. 

"Daddy!" 

Alex's head was a ferris wheel. _Daddy_.

At that moment, Charlie (and the little girl) turned to him. Her smile was for sure a hereditary trait.

"This is my daughter, Lucy. Lucy, this is Alex, a friend from daddy's school," Lucy waved a little bit shy. 

"Hi, Lucy."

Alex felt lost for words and in need of explanations. It was at Charlie's car, with Lucy asleep in his child seat, where Alex asked about the new discovery.

"Are you...?" He had said he was in a time-out situation, and for Alex that meant single. "Like, divorced..."

"She died. We never got married." Charlie was driving and didn't look at Alex but the brunette could see the change in his eyes. "We were too young, and well... It was imprudent but we loved each other and we didn't want to go through an abortion because we had been irresponsible. We wanted a family. It wasn't the time but it happened." He stopped in front of Alex's loft. "You live quite far."

The change of topic took him by surprise but he still sounded gentle. Perhaps he wasn't ready to speak about Lucy's mother and how she died. 

"I didn't want to share, for once. Do you have a nice house?"

"It belongs to Lucy's grandparents. They were very generous after what happened. It is not a palace, but it is enough. They love her. My dad loves her," he added. "Sometimes I travel home with her but I never saw you then."

"I should visit more often." That was true. His parents asked all the time. "I have to go."

The car was parked but still Alex felt that he was keeping Charlie and the child.

"Ok," Charlie looked at him. His cheeks were tinted with a light pink tone. "Can I see you again?"

Charlie was a father. He came with responsibilities, baggage, adulthood. At just about 25, his life had already given him a serious appearance. 

"Sure."


	3. Date night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to @QueenC. Thanks to her this work improved. Send her cookies.

Charlie didn't call Alex for the three following days. Not that he was counting. 

He needed to take his feelings out of his chest, so he called Jessica. After four years in Berkeley, they had taken different paths but still met once a month.

This time, they met at a cafe that looked a lot like Monet's, shared a hug, and sat at a table close to the window. Alex let Jessica talk first, about her job as a women's rights lawyer, the guys that she'd been dating (most of them disappointing, in Jessica's words), and life in general. It wasn't after half an hour that Alex mentioned the topic that was burdening his head.

"I ran into Charlie at a school I was helping this week. He is a teacher."

"What the actual fuck? What are the odds? There's like, one million people in this city. And that's without counting the fact that he could have been working in any other city, and still in your field."

"It was... I don't know. And he looks so good, Jess. You know, like a grown-up man but still with those childish eyes and smile. I don't need this right now. I really don't."

"Why? Do you still have feelings?" Her voice was curious. "Is he single?" 

"He is... Sort of. He had a girlfriend at some point. He has a daughter." Said Alex with a serious tone. "The mother died, I don't know how, but yes, he is now a full-time daddy."

"A... Dad? Well, if anybody was gonna be a good, young dad, my bets were on him. So, what is the real problem here?"

"He wants us to keep in touch and... I don't want to fall in love with him again." Alex sounded tired.

It wasn't that he was giving up on love. He would date someone if it came in a natural, easy way. You can't really run from that. But Charlie's situation just sounded too complicated. Alex had issues. Real issues. 

He killed someone. Charlie knew about that. He even helped frame Monty, and still didn't work. The TBI was another problem. It was difficult to explain to a new partner how he tried to kill himself and the result was anxiety and paranoia. He caught some guys he dated looking at him, some scared, some ready to make an excuse. His life was more difficult than the typical twenty something gay male life. It was not so weird to take a decision and focus in a career that could help people not to end like him. It was the only truth he knew. 

"I think you're overreacting. He might just want to be friends with you. I suppose he feels like his youth was taken away, and wants to be around adult people for once. Maybe he doesn't have many friends." Jess extended her arm to grab Alex's hand. "And why would it be that bad to fall in love anyway? You are so much better now... You haven't had a panic attack in ages, and you're using your knowledge to help others. You might be ready for this. It could even be good."

Alex wanted to believe her but he had a habit of ruining every relationship he was a part of. Maybe he just wasn't lucky. Some of the guys were clingy, others were too independent and didn't care about his condition. But still, deep inside, Alex knew he was blaming himself. 

After finishing their coffees, they walked together talking about their jobs again, before parting with a hug. Alex went home and took his phone from his working bag, discovering he had a new text message, and that it was from Charlie. As he had said the evening he took Alex home, he wanted to keep in touch. He was suggesting dinner from a Thai restaurant he loved.

Alex tried not to panic and chose a shirt that looked almost new. He even combed his hair, which was looking a little bit crazy. His palms were sweating, his lips red and swollen from nervously biting them. 

Charlie approached him with a knowing smile, and Alex didn't know what to do. A handshake? A hug? While he ran the possibilities in his head, Charlie broke the distance and caressed his shoulder.

"I'm glad you said yes," he sounded happy but mildly surprised.

The restaurant was comfortable and intimate enough. Charlie knew the best options, and the food looked delicious. Alex relaxed a bit.

"Where's Lucy?" He asked with interest.

"Oh, her grandparents love her. They live in the suburbs. They have been a rock to me ever since Lucy's mom passed. It's very hard to lose a daughter."

"You're so thoughtful, Charlie. I've barely heard you making this about yourself. I'm sure it's been very hard, and still you smile and thank others. "

"I like to think I'm lucky. I have someone who needs me, and I have people helping me raise my baby' in a healthy, loving way" He stopped for a second. "Lauren died a year ago, in a car accident. We were together since my second year of college," Charlie's clear eyes were shining brighter than usual with tears.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad."

"I haven't gotten over it completely, I know you can see that. But I want to. For Lucy. For me. "

"I'm sure you're a good father. And teacher, too." Alex smiled a little bit. It was weird to be on the comforting side.

Charlie nodded. "Changing topics here, I think you're avoiding the chat about yourself. I'm curious."

"I haven't been single all these years. I've dated. Didn't work."

"Why? And don't start that self-deprecating thing again. You know it's not true."

"I'm not good with people. And you don't know me that well anymore. I've changed." I need people willing to fight for me, he thought.

"What if I want to know you better again, and judge myself?"

_2020_

_A crash. The glass exploded on the floor like a grenade. Charlie was shivering, a couple of tears rolling down his cheek._

_"I'm... Sorry, Charlie. I... I can't. "_

_Alex was hiccupping. He didn't want it to end like that, but he constantly felt like he was drowning and couldn't breathe. The long-distance didn't help either. However, Alex was sure that waiting until Charlie graduated wouldn't be a solution to their problems._

_"I... I love you but... You didn't do anything wrong..." Alex tried to explain._

_"Don't! Don't say it." Alex hadn't heard his boyfriend raise his voice like that before. "'It's not your fault, it's mine.' Bullshit. I know all that crap." Charlie was fully crying. "I accepted it. I don't want to fix you. I don't want to change you. I just wanted to walk by your side, Alex. I want you to give me whatever you're able to, but it doesn't seem enough for you. It's never gonna be enough until you love yourself."_

2027

They looked at each other for a few seconds that felt like hours in Alex's brain.

"Look, I'm glad we met again. It was a beautiful coincidence, but..." Alex started.

"Don't panic. I can see smoke coming out of your head." Charlie's voice was soft. It was even funnier now that he was broader, his features harsher with the passing of years. "I was thinking we could be the type of friends who talk to each other sometimes and want to escape long working days with a couple of beers?"

Charlie smiled again, and Alex felt lost. It wasn't a good idea, but he wanted to open that once familiar book that was Charlie and read its new chapters.

He was also embarrassed because in some way he had mistaken his intentions.

"I still don't go to parties."

"Me neither. I have a baby."

That hadn't changed, apparently. Charlie reassuring him.

Finally, Alex smiled.

"I like jazz clubs, and I still do some bowling."

"Perfect, because I have tons of adrenaline I need to burn."

They didn't do much after dinner. They roamed around the city, chatting effusively about the things they loved about San Francisco. And it felt comfortable, it felt right. Alex was enjoying the company, growing more relaxed and less worried as the night passed. Charlie walked him to his car and this time they shared a hug as a goodbye.

Maybe they worked better as friends. Maybe the knot on his stomach could be ignored, and the future could bring camaraderie and trust.

_Maybe_


	4. Familiarity

Alex had a tough week. He encountered some problems along the way with a group of teenagers accused of vandalism. They were regulars in his center, and he had to organize some meetings to help the kids get through their charges. To add to that, on Wednesday Charlie called him. The brunette apologized. First, because it was almost 10 pm, and second because it wasn't a friendly call. He also needed help with a group of students from his class and wanted to meet at his house.

Alex was eager to help. He had studied young behavior and mental health issues, partly to understand himself better (or at least, the teen he was once), and partly because he wanted to make schools safer for the students.

He arrived ten minutes before the accorded time. Charlie greeted him with one of his contagious smiles.

"You're here! I'm blending some fruit for Lucy." Charlie moved aside so he could enter "With food and cartoons, she will let as discuss things without interruptions."

"It's fine." Alex noticed the toddler sitting in a small chair in front of the TV. He waved and the girl smiled shyly. "She is beautiful." 

"She looks like her mom."

"She has your eyes." Alex looked at him. Blue, kind, and optimistic. He could tell even from that distance.

The house was quite small. The first floor was designed in that open concept so desirable to young couples those days. It also included a small lavatory and a laundry room.

"I like how it's decorated."

"It wasn't me," Charlie confessed. "But I'm a great baker, as you know. That's my merit." He grabbed some papers and a notebook. "You can sit on the sofa. Lucy will be hypnotized by Dora the Explorer for a while"

He moved from the kitchen and delivered a bowl of fruit to the small girl, who grabbed a plastic spoon with eagerness.

"Ok, sweet lady. Daddy needs to work. You're gonna stay with Dora and eat your snack." Charlie kissed her little forehead between hazelnut curls, and Alex's heart melted like an ice cube.

Charlie sat next to Alex, and he felt like the June evening became too hot all of a sudden.

"Well, this is the thing," started Charlie. "I'm having trouble with this girl in class. Some kids are fat-shaming her, but they use some other words like ugly or stupid. I noticed it all kind of improved after your class, but she is so sad and miserable. I was thinking, the fair thing is to punish the ones who are doing it the most, but you know how it is... Some kids just imitate what they see, or just go with the flow. I don't want to punish everybody and bring worse consequences for that girl. I don't want her to develop eating disorders or who knows what. I want to educate them."

"I understand," Alex thought about the matter for a while. "It is difficult to get a reaction without introducing sensitive topics."

"I have taken that into account."

"I suggest you contact her parents first. She needs a strong support system to understand how to cope and ignore the comments in the first place. Then I can show you some programs on how to teach empathy. It won't work with all the students but it can give the victim extra support. If you're going to contact the bullies' parents, I suggest doing it with the principal or a counselor present. It is a delicate matter."

"Sometimes I feel like we are in high school again, and it doesn't matter if you're nice, because it's not enough anyway." Charlie frowned and for the first time he looked really concerned.

Maybe he was thinking about past experiences. About them, Tyler, Monty. The ghosts from the past.

"That's my life now. I feel you," Alex sighed.

"Do you... Want a glass of wine? While we discuss some documents I've found."

"Sounds good. White?" 

"Perfect." 

Charlie stood and poured two glasses of white wine, and then he took them back to the coffee table. They discussed the options for almost an hour, comfortable with each other's presence, and just listening to the other's point of view. 

Well, that wasn't completely correct.

In some moments, Alex was looking at Charlie's lips, maybe with too much interest, thinking about how they looked full and soft, how that short facial hair would feel if he kissed them. It felt like he was just seventeen again. Alex grew distracted, just with Charlie's voice in the background, running softly in his head like a lullaby. 

"And I don't want to risk the kid's mental health. I'm thinking about Lucy and it makes me so mad..." Charlie stopped. "Alex?"

Oh, God. He noticed.

"I will send you more information but you need to speak to her parents. Victims need to understand that there's nothing wrong with them."

"Would you mediate? I know you're not our school counselor but... I don't know. I need you, I guess"

It was the softness in his voice, or maybe how worried he looked, but in the end, Alex nodded.

"Speak to your principal first." 

_Stupid, Alex_. He ended the conversation with that sentence and after that, there weren't too many topics between them. He didn't want to leave. One part of his heart ached with the prospect of being alone like every other night.

"Oh god, it's late. I'm so annoyingly passionate about my kids," Charlie apologized. "We should order pizza or something. Whatever you want to eat is fine." He offered. 

Maybe it was because, like Alex, Charlie was tired of being lonely, of being a single father and the chores that came with that.

"I just need to prepare the bath for Lucy and put her to bed. Then I'm all yours." 

Those words made Alex shiver involuntarily.

"Am I pushing your boundaries?" Asked Charlie. "It's ok if we have something to eat together, isn't it?"

"Yes, sure. I'll call"

"Don't order the pineapple one," he joked.

Alex saw him switching off the TV and taking Lucy in his arms. She looked so tiny, and the sense of protection emanated from the scene. Alex called to a takeaway Italian and ordered a pizza.

He became bored after a few minutes, so he stood and observed the pictures in the hall. A high pitched laugh was coming from upstairs. Alex grabbed one picture and observed it in detail. It was in black and white. Lucy was a baby, and a beautiful, young lady was holding her. Her mother. Looking at her made him sad.

Alex left the picture at the same spot and something he couldn't really explain took him upstairs. It could have been curiosity, or the need to overcome that sadness. He was so tempted to see Charlie acting like a dad that his brain wasn't thinking clearly. He leaned on the bathroom door, in silence, taking in the most beautiful scene he had ever encountered to date.

The baby was splashing and laughing, playing with a plastic toy while Charlie tried to wash her hair. She looked like a little cloud, but the best part of the image was Charlie. Sweet Charlie, with his shirt wet and his hair full of foam. Caring Charlie, all fond smiles and playful eyes.

And maybe that was it. Alex would deny that such a thing could happen after seven years apart, and just a couple of days after running into each other, but he was falling in love. Again.

Alex coughed discreetly, and Charlie turned to look at him.

"Hey!" It was like he couldn't stop smiling. "Lucy loves bath time. I'm almost done."

"Don't worry. I find it quite cute but don't let it go to your head."

"I won't. Could you pass me the towel?" Alex did, and Charlie wrapped Lucy in it like a burrito.

Alex felt he was intruding on something important, but couldn't stop looking. Charlie was so tender, even doing something as natural as dressing his daughter for bed. Was that how having a real family felt?

Charlie tucked the sheets and blankets in and kissed the girl's forehead.

"Good night, sweetheart. I love you"

"lofiu, Addy," Lucy yawned.

Charlie switched off the light and closed the door. Alex didn't move. It was quite dark and they were so close. Alex could smell him, a mixture of cologne and baby shampoo. He could glimpse his toned body through the wet shirt.

"I... I shouldn't have come upstairs," Alex whispered. His breath was stuck in his throat. He was scared that Charlie could sense his heart from that distance.

"No, no... I'm not embarrassed. I'm glad you're here."

Was he leaning in? For one second, he hoped that it was all a hallucination. But it was definitely not because little drops were falling from Charlie's hair to his shoulders. And then Alex closed his eyes, even if it was dark already, and...

The bell rang. Damn it. Saved again.

"Pizza is here!"


	5. Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we are back. I will try to be more constant now I'm back in the UK and Chalex Week i over.  
> Thank you again to @QueenC

One week after that weird dinner, Charlie called Alex to discuss the details of the meeting with the bullies' parents. That's how Alex found himself sitting at the principal's office with Charlie by his side. He looked like he had put an effort into what he was wearing this time.

"I'm sorry about this," Charlie whispered. "I didn't know it was going to be so serious. I wanted to include a counselor in the program but the parents say we're not a high school. That's so stupid."

"Don't worry," Alex smiled fondly.

He was miles away. He had almost kissed Charlie, and who could blame him? Charlie was loving, caring, and protective with his child, and Alex couldn't forget how attractive that little amount of facial hair made him look.

Alex looked at him sideways, trying to capture each of Charlie's expressions without him noticing. It was harder than he thought.

The conversation became tough. It was difficult for the parents to recognize that they might have given too much freedom to their kids or that some information was missing. Parents always think they are the definition of "perfect educators" and that their values are always on point.

Some of them preferred to blame the school, their professionals, or even the system. It was easier than taking the blame. Some recognized that their situation at home wasn't perfect and they would have that conversation with the children, some even sounded embarrassed, but a couple of ones were not the polite kind and screamed even at Alex. He was used to that anyway but Charlie was apologizing like mad.

"They didn't say anything I didn't hear before," Alex chuckled. "You said my talk did something, maybe the next step is you coming to see how I work."

"Are we like a team now?" Charlie was probably joking, but Alex's heart skipped a beat.

"You miss your football days, don't you?" 

"Nah, I practice once a week. We have a great team from my days at college. UCLA Graduates." 

"I remember you wanted to apply for that one. I suppose you made it."

They didn't really know that much about the other, Alex realized, but they were discovering things in those moments together.

They reached the office. It was 6 pm already. 

"I feel like... I should buy you a drink. For the bother. "

"You're very smart, St. George." It mildly sounded like flirting.

"I don't want to take advantage of you, Standall. Don't go that way." Charlie struck back.

"And Lucy?"

"Grandparents."

Alex didn't need anything else to say yes. He was fighting a battle on the inside. Half of his brain advised him to leave but the other half was already nodding.

Charlie took him to a fancy bar. It was one of those modern places but looked more familiar than cold, and it was affordable for a counselor.

"Wow, nice place." Alex was looking at the bottles scattered everywhere.

"I know. I come here sometimes with some of the teachers, but it's very hard with Lucy. I want to spend time with her. Beer?"

"Yes. Surprise me."

Charlie ordered two beers. When he grabbed them, his bicep stretched, and maybe Alex looked longer than it was necessary.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." That damn smile again.

After three beers and a few surreal conversations about their time in college, their tongues were loose. Charlie stared at him.

"Do you know what I thought when I saw you in my class?"

"Probably that you were hallucinating."

"He is even more handsome than eight years ago," Charlie confessed. "How I can keep this man in my life? Does he hate me?"

Alex started playing with a napkin, nervously.

"I don't. I didn't. You told me you weren't going that way." His tone was softer that what he was saying.

"I know what I said. We can still be that kind of friends who have a beer without exuding honesty about their feelings. I shouldn't have said anything." Charlie looked down. He was feeling quite embarrassed.

After that, the air felt rare and heavy. Charlie wasn't as talkative as normal, so they offered their excuses and parted in separate Ubers.

Two weeks passed, and Alex understood that if he wanted to keep seeing Charlie, he had to give something too. Hence, he was the one calling this time with the excuse of inviting Charlie to visit him at the center.

He knew deep down that Charlie would accept. He was really committed to his students, and seeing Alex’s approach to kids' problems was a further step in learning about their education.

They decided to meet one day after school, during the afternoon. Charlie drove to the center and was introduced to the staff. It wasn’t a surprise that in a few minutes everybody already loved him, including the teenagers attending the social center. Charlie played with them and was very attentive when Alex was giving them group activities. The time passed smoothly, and Charlie was so helpful that everybody was done before their time to part.

"There is nothing I can teach you," joked Alex.

"Maybe you could show me how to not mess up with a friend I like spending time with."

"You’re still too confident," Alex smiled warmly.

"I’m completely selfless. Lucy was asking about you. She’s glad you called."

He was using his best shot. The baby. Thinking about Lucy asking about him made Alex feel joyous and soft.

"I can’t with you!" Alex laughed, pretending to sound annoyed but evidently failing.

He was completely gone. Maybe that was what he was thinking while holding those two scoops of vanilla and cookies ice cream. Lucy was devouring a chocolate cone, sitting in her baby cart. Charlie had masterfully convinced him to join them after the session at the centre, and the walk was pleasant. He had left Lucy at the nursery longer than normal and pretended to fix that.

Alex couldn’t stop looking at the pair. It was so obvious that he was too involved in Charlie’s family but at the same time, he couldn’t help it. Maybe because he didn’t want to avoid Charlie and his feelings for him even if they were killing him. He was feeling alive and more than just San Jose’s community center counselor. 

"Lex, ducks!" Lucy screamed, and her dad grabbed her and let her walk slowly closer to the lake. Then Charlie looked at Alex. 

"I told you. She likes you." 

The sun was shining on Charlie’s face, and Alex felt mesmerized. Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours, like the song. 

He should have taken the control back and faked an apology, but what was he going to say? ' _Finally, I have a date, I just remembered_ ' sounded so fake. He was losing track of what Charlie was saying. 

"So I've prepared meatballs for all the neighborhood."

"Meatballs?"

"Yeah," Charlie laughed looking at him. "Are you with us, Alex?" It was very distracting, the way his tongue rolled saying his name. 

"Yeah."

"Good."

It seemed that he was saying yes to dinner. Italian day in St. George’s _Maison_. Seated at the small kitchen table, Charlie, his adorable child, and him. And he was crazy if that didn’t look like a familiar scene. 

Charlie was trying to cut Lucy’s meatballs aiming for them not to fall under the table. Lucy’s face was covered in tomato sauce, and Alex was just staring and smiling like an idiot. After the funny dinner (how was he in Charlie’s house again? His self-control was shit), Alex offered to do the dishes while Charlie was putting Lucy into bed. 

"Thank you."

Alex startled a bit due to the extreme concentration he was putting into the dishes. Charlie was at the door frame. 

"It’s the least I can do," he said in a soft voice. 

Charlie approached him. He looked so restrained, like he was thinking before saying anything. Alex turned to see they were quite close again. 

"You want to say something." Even after all that time, Alex still knew him. 

"We make a good team." The answer lacked emotion. Charlie looked shy. 

Alex closed the distance. 

"I’m confusing you. I’m a mess, Charlie, and you should run."

"I don’t want to run from you." It was almost a whisper. 

Charlie kissed him, just like that. Like a whisper. His lips were soft and tentative, and his big hands were cupping Alex’s cheeks. In some ways, he seemed afraid, like that first time in the library. 

One of the characteristics of humanity is how they are eager to repeat the same scenes one, two, million times. Their lives are full of these _deja vus_. Based on that truth, Alex kissed him back with a little bit more intention. 

,

One of the pros of being older was the fact that Charlie wasn’t really taken aback from the kiss. On the contrary, he lifted Alex from the floor making him seat in the counter just to kiss him better, longer, with full chests and hands. Breathless. 

"I’m--" _a bubbling mess._ Alex's lips were swollen. "You are… Jesus, you are a better kisser now, like, how?"

Charlie laughed, and Alex wanted to bottle that sound to have it forever. The younger man caressed his back. There were stars in his eyes. 

"I can’t stay. I… shouldn’t. If I stay, I wouldn’t be strong enough to stop, and we know that’s not fair."

"Why?" Charlie was being brave for both of them. He wanted to push Alex. Maybe he knew that his decision wasn’t based on feelings, but in fears. 

"You know…" He started. 

"I don’t. I like your company, and I like you."

Alex jumped from the counter. "I'm sorry, Charlie." He turned to go, and Charlie sighed. 

He froze. It felt like a million years passed but in reality, it was just a few seconds. Alex needed those hands around his waist and neck, the smell of aftershave and baby cologne knocking his senses. He wanted more.

So he grabbed it in the form of a jump of faith, into Charlie’s arms. 

"If you don’t take me to your bed before I change my mind, Charles, you’re a dead man.”

His pulse was beating drums.


	6. Future plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating to mature due to a non explicit but sexual scene. That doesn't mean it is gonna be more scenes like that. I'm not sure yet.

Alex was laying in Charlie’s bed, the weight of the brunette on top of him like a comfortable anchor to the reality of what was happening. They were still dressed while kissing gently, discovering their new bodies with trembling hands. The softest moans were escaping from Charlie’s lips, and Alex wanted to kiss them all till they belonged to him. 

After minutes of just kissing, Charlie drowned in his neck with the same care and adoration he was using on his lips. Alex's back arched in pleasure. He was feeling too much. It had been too long since the last time he had felt that way.

"I’m too warm here,” he protested, and Charlie unbuttoned his shirt, all laughs and cautious hands. Then he took off his own T-shirt.

The touch of their bare chests sent shivers down Alex's spine. His erection was growing inside his trousers, eager for attention. He couldn’t run from Charlie’s lustful look. 

"Can I..." Charlie’s long and slender fingers were in the button of his jeans.

"Always a gentleman.” Alex smiled until it hurt. "I'd say you have to do it."

And in that first naked embrace, Charlie’s arms holding him, it all felt so right that Alex was getting emotional. 

They hadn’t talked about the list of lovers they'd had during college. Alex knew about Lauren, but had Charlie shared the bed with other men after him? Well, seeing the way his head was buried between his thighs, Alex would say that he had a lot of practice. It wasn’t like he was not talented as a teenager, but the pleasure he was giving Alex now was at a completely different level.

Alex lowered his hand to caress Charlie’s messy locks, and he stayed like that, eyes closed, lips parted. When they kissed again, Alex held his breath and wished to not forget that moment. Charlie’s deep blue eyes were again on his, giving him a piece of his confidence. 

That was enough. The bliss, the blur. Legs that surrounded his waist and Charlie keeping him safe from the world, like years ago.

Charlie’s fingers brushed away the wet hair from his forehead, making love to his muscles, the edges of his hips, his soul. That didn’t feel like casual sex, and when Alex rolled them to be on top and drew patterns in Charlie’s chest and abs, he almost said that he loved him but bit his lip with an outstanding orgasm instead. They gasped, laying side by side, sweat and love bites marking their skins. 

Alex could run home, forget he had met Charlie, and how he messed up his world again, however, he wasn’t able to move. He just looked at the soft, harmonious face and the damn sexy beard that rested by his side.

"Shower?" Charlie’s voice was lazy 

"Yes, please.”

  
  


Alex woke up with long arms around his waist and legs entwined. He hadn't anticipated how comfortable and safe he could feel in that situation. There was no walk of shame or awkward post-sex conversation.

One thing he could recall is that he'd lost track of time. What time was it? Was he late for work? Some rays of sunshine were fighting to enter throughout the curtains, confirming that it was already morning. He was enjoying the touch and the softness of Charlie's skin when two little hands appeared by his side, trying to grab the covers. 

"Shit!"

"Addy, ancakes. Banaanaaa!" It was Lucy. 

He swore in front of a two and a half years old girl. Perfect. 

"Nnnngrrr," Charlie was awake and stretching. Specifically, rubbing his morning boner in Alex's back.

Alex couldn’t do that, this was too much happiness for the morning. Jesus.

"Baby, I’m sorry." Lucy followed his dad’s voice and walked to the other side of the bed, from where Charlie lifted her. "We were sleeping."

The baby was with them while they were just in their boxers, bed hair present in the picture. 

"Say good morning, honey."

"Morning." She blushed and made Alex smile. Charlie mirrored that smile and brushed his daughter’s hair with his fingers. "Pancakes it is, then."

"How lucky am I? I wasn’t sure if it was Saturday."

"It is, indeed," Charlie kissed Alex’s cheek. They didn’t have the privacy to speak about last night but Alex didn’t care too much.

Charlie grabbed Lucy like a package. The baby laughed.

"We’ll let you get dressed. I’m making breakfast. See you downstairs.

Alex thanked all the gods he knew that Lucy was too young to ask why was Alex in his father’s bed, or if they were boyfriends. 

They had breakfast together, and after that, Charlie cleaned the kitchen and left Lucy playing with her toys on the sofa. Alex didn’t say a word about leaving as he knew a conversation was coming. 

"I had fun last night," Charlie said while drying the glasses. "It was a long time since I last... well, had somebody stay over."

"For me too. I haven’t stayed for the night, lately." Alex’s voice was soft. 

"Look, I know you’re scared. I understand, and I know I seem happy and confident but I’m so damn scared too. Lucy is everything for me now, and I don’t know if I can add an extra worry to the equation.” Charlie left the towel and came to Alex's side. "I had a couple of dates this last year, mostly because a few friends and my in-laws were insisting, and I ran from all of them. That said, I think you’re different, and it's not because of what we had once. It's because of what I see now.”

Alex thought for a while before speaking. 

"I’m scared, yes, but I’m revitalized with you. You don’t know how I feel. I’m... I’m like, anxious, my stomach hurts. In a good way, I think." He added. "I don’t want to screw it, or make the same mistakes we once made. I’m not really sure of what I want, but I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to lose you."

Finally, he confessed his biggest fears. Charlie was looking at him sweetly, understanding. 

"Let’s make a deal. We're going to take it slow. I don’t even know exactly what it means, but I know we don’t have to be conventional. We’ll call each other, or we’ll meet if we want to. I’m not against repeating last night.” A grin formed in his face. "But that's completely up to us. No parents, no big announcements. I have my child, you have your work and your loft, and we spend time together because we want to, when we want to. Deal?” 

Alex shook his hand with a big smile. 

"In the meantime, you are a friend of the family, and I and Lucy are very happy to have you with us."

"I am very happy I found you too, and that I had the chance to meet Lucy. She is adorable."

  
  


Alex could do that. He was going to put everything he had on the table. He was thinking about Charlie on his way home. The tiny loft seemed big and lifeless without baby laughs and the smell of homemade food and cologne. 

It was a Saturday evening and he was checking his emails with an open can of beer in his lap and soft music in the background. A new email caught his attention. 

"Oh, shit." Tyler was reminding him they had a meeting so his friend could give him his wedding invitation in person. 

Tyler and Estela were still together after eight years. As first loves go, especially during the teenage years, that was unusual. And if you added their shared background past issues, well, it was a miracle. However, they were able to build a relationship around love, acceptance, and patience and that was enough. Estela was away from her abusive father for a long time now. Alex heard he even died of cirrhosis. 

Was Alex a little bit jealous? Definitely. But he was not going to be the rude friend that didn't attend a wedding because everybody was happy and in a relationship, and he was alone and miserable and the Grinch of romantic situations. He could take Jess anyway. 

Or Charlie. He was raving. They were taking things slow, and you don’t take somebody as a plus one in those terms. But well, the wedding was in three months anyway and things could change up to that date.

“Focus, Alex.” He murmured. 

He remembered how sad and guilty he was feeling seven years ago when he and Charlie broke up. Everybody loved Charlie, especially Tyler and Estela, but in every break up common friends tend to lean to one side, even involuntarily. Alex kept all his friends. They shared something powerful (as powerful as covering a murder can be) and Alex was extremely grateful for it, but he felt sad about Charlie starting a new life in L.A. And they tried for a while. Tyler called Charlie sometimes, but the calls were further in time as months passed. 

He was sure Zach and Charlie spoke every time they were home, but Zach was on tour with his band lately and not even Alex had the privilege of catching up with him during last year. He was happy about Zach's career, but life took them to different paths. 

And the Globe was so big. Even the US was too big for them to see each other, nonetheless, Alex was at the same time and place as Charlie without any previous contact or knowledge. Both single. He didn’t really believe in destiny, but he would be lying if he said he didn't’ think about it sometimes. Destiny was playing him. 

He wrote back to Tyler telling him that holidays were close and they could meet in Evergreen and even throw a pre-wedding party. It was a good idea to see all his friends. And schools would be finished in a couple of weeks, so maybe, and that was a big supposition, Charlie would be visiting his father, and he could make it pass as a coincidence.

Like 'Hey, guys, Charlie is in town. We could invite him because we're so nice, and not at all because I’m sleeping with him again and would take a bullet for his precious daughter. P.S I love him with all my soul but I’m a fucking coward'.

Alex sighed. Jess would love that. 

His phone buzzed. Charlie had sent him a picture in which Lucy was proudly holding a drawing. It was difficult to interpret but the little girl had tried to draw three people beside something that looked like the sky but was probably the park lake. He smiled fondly. 

His mind had to take things slowly, too. One day at a time. 


	7. Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to @QueenC for the effort. I had a block and this took longer than expected. Two or three more chapters to.

Alex couldn’t believe how much he was missing Charlie and Lucy, and it was just a couple of days since he last saw them. The thing was, and it wasn’t a lie, he had been extremely busy because even with the school year finishing soon, he had to prepare for summer camp in August. Normally, the center staff took their holidays in July, so they could offer the kids two weeks of fun, learning, and self-discovery on the lake north state before classes returned. The community, parents, and the older kids themselves paid for the trip, selling cookies or organizing different events. Alex still hated camping, but he loved his job, and having little cabins was an improvement from his high school days. 

He called Charlie with the excuse of checking on him and Lucy. Alex unassumingly brought up the holidays matter like it just came to his mind. Then Charlie told him he missed him and Alex lost the track of what he was saying and accepted the invitation for lunch the next Sunday. 

He was helping Charlie with the vegetables when the conversation came back to the table.

"So vacations, huh?" Charlie raised an eyebrow. "I get that you don’t want to be alone. Do you have any plans?"

He wished. He wanted to take Charlie to the beach where Lucy could play with the sand. What was he thinking?

"Unfortunately, nothing interesting. I have to go home for a pre-wedding party. Did you know Tyler is marrying Estela?" Alex didn’t want to bring up the topic for obvious reasons but it was unavoidable.

"Obviously not, but I’m happy for them." Of course he was.

"I was thinking... If you're visiting your dad when school's finished, we could share the ride. Maybe you could come to the party. Look, I kind of feel bad because you and Tyler were good friends."

"It wasn’t your fault. Estela was a good friend, even after we broke up, but then we graduated, I moved to L.A and college and football were keeping me there. So yeah, Alex, we can totally do that and maybe I can see the gang again."

Charlie made it so easy for him. His intentions were so subtle that he never mentioned them going to the party together or assumed that the occasion was a step further in their relationship. It sounded quite logical and convenient. 

"You can go and play with Lucy," Charlie was smiling.

Alex approached the small carpet where Lucy was playing with her toys. 

"What are we doing today?" 

"Puppy," Lucy was holding a medium size stuffed terrier dog. "Her name is Madeleine."

"Wow! I like it. It's elegant, not very common.” Everything was new for Alex. He didn’t have that 'kid voice', and he didn't consider himself funny or entertaining. 

But Lucy giggled, because she was Charlie’s daughter. 

"We going to the zoo."

When Charlie finished making lunch and was taking everything to their living room table, a beautiful picture caught his eye. Alex had a lion in one hand and a giraffe on the other, and they were running to Lucy like in that stampede from Jumanji, and the girl was absolutely crazy about it. She was laughing, breathless, screaming and trying to stop the animals with her tiny hands.

"Addy!!!"

"Lunch is ready, sweetie. Let’s wash your hands." For Charlie’s surprise, it was Alex who carried Lucy to the bathroom and lifted her so she could wash her hands.

When they came to the table, the teacher was radiant.

"Thank you. You are very kind."

There was a little bit of playtime while Lucy was napping. A few kisses were stolen on the couch, a boring baseball game abandoned on the TV. Charlie laughed with all his might when Alex tickled him. They were relaxed and enjoying themselves in a more intimate and personal way, not strictly sexual. 

Alex laid in Charlie's chest. 

"I’ve never done this before." He confessed with a whisper.

"Cuddling?" 

"Not that, silly man, all this. Being involved, caring…" That made him feel vulnerable.

"You care, Alex, I know you do. You had other priorities and I understand that but don’t sell yourself too short." 

"You’re a wise man." Alex smiled and Charlie took the opportunity to kiss his lips again. "I like this pace we're taking." He was hypnotized by Charlie’s kind eyes.

"I like it too."

Nonetheless, one thing was cuddles and sex and even staying for the night. But the prospect of meeting all his past friends and probably family too was a very different matter. It wasn’t that Alex was embarrassed about starting a new thing with Charlie again. The problem rested in that it was their thing, and Alex didn’t want anybody ruining what they were building. San Francisco was close to home but far enough to keep them separated from past trauma and pain.

Alex had those thoughts roaming his head while he was packing for the next week in Evergreen. He and Charlie had decided to split the cost of gas and spare one car, so they were traveling together, and Alex was nervous. 

Charlie was securing Lucy’s chair in place when Alex arrived at their meeting point, the girl lifting his hands in the air excited.

"Lex!"

"Hello, baby," Alex responded. Charlie caressed his shoulder warmly.

"Ready?" He helped Alex to put the suitcase in the trunk and went to the driver's seat.

"I am. Zach is coming too, which is a big surprise." He was happy during the trip, watching the trees or playing with Lucy.

This was his life now, not just being a great counselor. Was he going to tell his parents? He wasn’t sure. The fear of not doing things right and destroying his chances again was very present even these days. It never left him, and he was sure it kind of messed with all his relationships. But Charlie was as patient as he was back then, and even more mature and thoughtful now. Deep inside, Alex was feeling that it was possible this time.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" There it was. 

"Yes, of course."

And for his ulterior happiness, his mum was cutting the roses on the porch and saw them coming.

"Oh, Alex! My son!” She was so happy that she almost neglected the fact that Alex wasn’t the one driving, and looked quite shocked when she noticed who was.

"Hey, mum. Do you remember Charlie? We meet again in San Fran. Can you believe it? He was coming, I was coming, so we decided to share. Great flowers."

Charlie was speechless but Carolyn was completely shocked. She looked at the back of the car.

"Is she..?”

"Yes. She is my daughter, Lucy. Say hi to Mrs. Standall! She is Alex’s mum."

"Hi, Lex!" She continued to play with her sock.

"She is adorable, Charles. She has your eyes and your smile."

Charlie looked at Alex, a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

Alex had not mentioned him to his family. Not even casually. Not even now. 

"Well, it was a pleasure but my dad's waiting. Say hi to your husband and Peter."

Carolyn waved goodbye and hugged her son. It was gonna be a long week. 

  
  


Peter was almost thirty. He had an impressive girlfriend, a good job in the Bay Area, and a decent flat a couple of miles from his parents' house. He visited every Saturday, helped his father with the groceries, and always had family plans, while Alex, well, he was the black sheep of the family.

And they tried. The years at Berkeley were tough with his mum or dad calling almost every day, but eventually, they gave him the freedom he deserved. He was an adult anyway, and even if the ghosts of the past seemed present in every step of his path, they were overcome the moment he started working as a counselor and took the reins of his own life. 

That didn’t make their first dinner easier. Peter never stopped talking (of which Alex was thankful), his girlfriend being more moderate and quiet (of which Alex was even more thankful).

"Do you know who drove Alex home? Charlie! His first boyfriend, and the only one we knew, really." That was well played by his mum. "He's so handsome now, and he has a child."

"Hey, brother. You didn’t say anything. Is he married?" Peter inquired.

"He's sort of a widower," Alex said reluctantly.

"Oh no, man. Poor guy and poor child. So are you like... again?" It was left unsaid and at that moment it seemed insensitive but everybody looked at him like they were thinking the same as his brother.

Yes. They were. Kind of. He just had to say that they were taking things slowly but the situation of him not bringing anybody to those occasional dinners and the hopeful look in his mother's eyes scared him. 

Because he was going to fuck that up, eventually, as always. 

"We hang out a couple of times. He works in education and we collaborated on a couple of projects. He is good." There were no lies, just things unsaid.

And if anybody was disappointed, they didn’t say. 

After dinner, Alex was meeting Zach at Monet’s. The cafe was open until late hours, and now they even offered more refined drinks like silly named gin and tonic. Alex had just taken a seat, mesmerized with the new decoration, when Zach entered the cafe like a hurricane just passed. 

"Oh, my god, Alex!" He looked good. Well-dressed and with a short stubble that made him look definitely older. "Two years, man!"

They hugged and dedicated at least one hour to talk about their jobs, being music and Zach’s band the main topic. Alex wasn’t bothered. He was pushing away the conversation about Charlie as much as possible.

"Any lovers?" Zach couldn’t ignore that part, apparently.

"I’m sleeping with Charlie St. George. The quarterback. It’s been a couple of times but, god... and he has a daughter, and I adore her, and I think I’m falling for him." He blurted. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa... Alex. That 's... good? I was worried. What is the big deal?"

"I’m a rat, Zach. I didn’t even tell my parents that we came together, or Tyler. Do you know why?" The anxiety was growing inside Alex. "Because I know it's gonna end badly, and then everybody will know and they'll pity me, again."

"Why are you so sure that it's gonna end badly? You’re adults now.” Zach looked at him, trying to understand.

"I’m not an adult, Zach. I pretend to be one. I have meaningless relationships, casual friends, and too much work. I was running from everything Charlie is offering now. And still it came, and all at once. A good man with a child. You don’t know how much it scares me... I’m not ready. I could have avoided it, but you didn’t see him.” He gasped, and Zach smiled. "He is so... kind and passionate about everything that suddenly I’m eighteen again and I can’t handle it, but now I will hurt even more people, cause there's a child who really likes me."

"Man," Zach gave him a steady hand. "I know you are good, and I know you are enough because when I hear you speaking about that child... She's not even yours, for fuck's sake, and you care."

He cared. Maybe too much. Maybe he was overthinking, but wasn’t that what his mind did all the time? And there was no magical formula or miracles for things like his brain, things that couldn’t be fixed or reassembled. It was a burden and he couldn't run from it. 


	8. Put a fight

_I want to be king in your story_

_I want to know who you are_

_I want your heart to beat for me_

_Oh, I..."_

Dermot Kennedy, Power Over Me 

Alex waited for one day before going to talk to Charlie. He was staying at his father’s house anyway, and Alex was hoping for a bit of privacy. He could feel Charlie was upset by the look in his eyes that evening. He had started to know Charlie better again, or at least to reconnect with him. 

Zach and the conversation they shared the night before had helped as well, but it couldn’t fix the things they had left unsaid the day before. 

Charlie opened the door with a serious expression, but he didn’t look angry. It was more like disappointment, and that made everything slightly harder. 

"Hi. Are you alone? I don’t want to intrude." Alex's voice was almost a whisper.

"Yes, Dad took Lucy to the park. They need some quality time together. Come in.” Charlie moved away from the door. "Coffee?"

"Please." Alex entered. The house was just as he remembered, big but warm and cozy.

"I baked some cookies, lemon ones. I put stevia instead of sugar. Dad is pre-diabetic. You wanna try?" 

"Yes, of course." Alex sat in the kitchen and observed Charlie. He was wearing a grey oversized jumper, not that it made him any less cute. "Charlie."

Charlie looked at him. He had bed hair and his stubble was growing into a full beard. Alex longed, for one second, to have woken up by his side that morning. 

"I... I’m sorry. I don’t really tell my parents everything. My relationship with them... I mean, I love them but sometimes they are on top of me all the time and I understand why, but I’m not a teenager."

"It's not that." Charlie sighed, pouring Alex his coffee. "I didn’t need you to confide all the information, but you couldn’t even tell them we were traveling together. What are you afraid of? Of people judging you? Because I’m the stone in which you tripped twice, or because my life is complicated and they may tell you you’re crazy for entering my world again when I have a child and a broken heart, and why would you care to have a relationship with a single dad. Is it one of those?" 

It was everything and some more. He hadn’t had nightmares in a while, but they were there at the back of his mind, and sharing that part of his past again was too much. He could lie to strangers, but not to Charlie. 

"My life looks normal, but it is just an unassembled picture full of pieces that don’t fit and don’t connect. It's not the perfect environment for a child. I don’t want to hurt you or to drag you into my shit, but doing that to Lucy, that’s even scarier. What would she think if I kept on filling her life with chaos and panic attacks or suicidal thoughts? It overwhelms me.”

"Do you still...?" Charlie hugged him. "Alex, shit."

"Not that often, but I still break. I need to work on myself now and then, and take some time off, because I’m not able to help teenagers if I’m not in a better position than them, but being a survivor... It was all about saving lives." Alex was moved and almost tearing up. His voice was trembling. 

"Would it be different if I was single?" Blurted Charlie. 

"I don’t know. You are amazing, Charles... You never stopped being good. And when you said we could take things easy, I didn’t even think that a small change could move my foundations."

"Ok, so," Charlie sounded sad. Alex didn’t want that. "Do you want to be alone? Do you want us to be friends? I don’t know, Alex. I have a life, a job, a child, and I need stability. I don’t think I can be with somebody that wants something one day, and a different thing the next. “

He fucked everything up. Again. The joy of watching Lucy smile, the calm of waking up in Charlie’s embrace, the opportunity of a real family. 

"I don’t want to love until it hurts. I want something better." Charlie's request was fair. Seven years had passed anyway. "I’ll give you some time. I called Tyler, and I might go and congratulate him and Estela. We'll go back to San Francisco after the party. You can come with us if you want."

That last sentence broke him. It was hope. 

* * *

Tyler was so excited about receiving news from Charlie that he insisted on meeting him and Lucy at Monet’s one afternoon. Charlie wasn’t especially in the mood, but Tyler had made the effort, and also, he was going to get married. He deserved that moment. 

At least it made Charlie laugh because Tyler was a little ball of excitement and happiness. He was wearing his camera to "immortalize the moment", and he was good with kids. Lucy was giggling just two minutes after he came to their table.

"Oh, god, she is precious. You are so lucky. I mean, I’m sorry about Lucy’s mum."

"I understand, Ty. Don’t worry." He sipped his coffee. "And thank you for suggesting this. I thought it was too long. I wanted to meet but I was feeling quite shy."

"Why? Man, I know we stopped checking on each other. I’m not proud of that but I’ve been terribly busy with the newspaper and you were in L.A... When did you move to SF?"

"Lucy’s grandparents live there. Lauren was from San Francisco. We both studied at UCLA but when she got pregnant, it was the best option."

"I see. Do you visit your dad often? I’ve never seen you. I mean, we usually have vacations in September, and Christmas is crazy." Tyler sounded more mature and confident. 

Charlie laughed. "No, I have school holidays. I’m an elementary teacher." He and Tyler chatted about school and photography for a while, but Tyler looked restless.

"Have you seen Alex? He also lives in San Fran. And Jess, but she travels a lot."

"Kind of..." Charlie played with a serviette. "We came together, me and Alex. I didn’t look for him, we just found each other casually."

"He didn’t say… I see." Tyler stopped before saying something else. "He is not seeing anybody. You are not seeing anybody. Are you two…?"

"I don’t know," Charlie was completely honest. "I thought we could start something but... There are some issues, and I don’t know if what we have is strong enough to overcome them.” He sighed. "Oh, sorry. You're getting married. Wow."

"No, Charlie. I’ve been hearing all week about wedding plans, parties, and congratulations. You're not selfish by expressing your feelings. Therapy taught me that. You’re not bothering me, and I hope you and this princess,” he looked at Lucy, asleep in her chair, “come to the party, so you can fix things with Alex. That would make me very happy."

"I wish I was that optimistic. But I’ll do it, for you and Estela."

* * *

The pinnacle of feeling like shit and like he never moved on for Alex was finding Clay Jensen in the supermarket parking lot. He was holding hands with an attractive brunette. Was everybody engaged? 

"Hey, Alex! Oh, my God, you look so good.” Everybody was saying that lately. Little they knew. "Are you here for Tyler’s party? Of course you are. It’s been a year, man." 

"Oh, hi, Clay," Clay was glowy and energetic. "How’s New York?"

"It's magic, I love it. Oh, this is Shannon, my fiancee.” Yes, apparently, everybody was happy and established. 

At least he had Jess, but Jess was dating but she had the excuse of her job and her commitment to the feminist cause. And Zach, but Zach had more girlfriends than he could count with both hands and seemed happy about it. 

"Nice to meet you." He shook her hand. She was cute but quiet, like Peter’s girlfriend. 

Clay mentioned Tony and Caleb getting married in Las Vegas (no surprises there) and then sobered when they remembered Justin, but he was still looking healthy and put together. Alex thought that maybe if he was looking good from outside, Clay could have been looking the same. But at the end of the day, everybody had their own problems behind closed doors.

They just fought, because that’s what they were. Fighters. 

However, why couldn’t Alex fight for the best thing that ever happened to him? He was thinking about Charlie’s words. Maybe if he was single, he would have tried with less fear. Was he scared of what Lucy would think of his father’s boyfriend? She would grow up and start to observe and understand things. He never thought he would have kids, and now this little gift was falling into him like a giant rock. 

Carolyn Standall was making dinner when Alex came back with the groceries. She greeted her son absentmindedly and helped him to put everything in place.

"I saw Clay Jensen today. He is also getting married." Alex said with not much excitement.

"Well, you’re all twenty-seven. I’m not saying you're old or anything but it is normal to settle down."

"I slept with Charlie. Twice." He looked at his mum. She wasn’t surprised at all. "Did you know?"

"I suspected. You were nervous the other day. I think... He is lovely and his daughter is very beautiful."

"She is, and she's so smart, you should see her." Alex smiled. It was an honest smile.

"I’m happy for you, son. I love you." Carolyn embraced him.

Alex still remembered the look on her eyes when he woke up in the hospital after his suicide attempt. He was sure he would never forget it, and he still felt he hadn’t made up for all the pain and tears that he caused her. 

"I don’t know what to do, mum. I’m not ready." His voice was that of a scared kid.

He was always so empathetic, so sensitive. Even growing up, he wouldn’t like the same things as other boys, and he felt bad about that. Alex enjoyed solitude and music like others enjoyed sports and company. 

"My boy, that’s being a grown-up. Just think about what makes you happy, the reason you wake up every day. Take one day at a time, list your moments of joy, even if they are not long enough or perfect."

Meatballs. Giraffes. Lucy’s laugh. Students saying 'thank you' to him. Charlie. His smile. His lips. His arms.

Charlie. 

"I know you want to do everything alone, but that’s a mistake. You need to learn to reach out to others, to ask for help, Alexander." He was crying in her shoulder.

"I’m sorry I don’t call or visit enough. I don’t want you all to see that I’m a failure."

"How are you a failure? You are a man that works and pays his bills, and the most important thing is that you are alive. Seeing how that was not a certainty for a moment ten years ago, I would say it is enough."

She smiled.

"You have everything, my love. You have people that love you for who you are, that will help you stand up again when you fall. You just need to open yourself to that kind of love."

Alex let go of the embrace and looked at his mum. 

"Thank you. I just needed that."

Clarity. Reassurance. 

Alex wiped away his tears, looking at the bathroom mirror. There was a discontinuity in the tiles where the bullet had hit after messing with his head. It was like a small flick of the past. Almost indiscernible. They tried to cover it, but he knew it was there because he was the one pulling the trigger. He chose to die that day, so he could choose to live in a certain way.

He just needed to close his eyes and cover that little square tile that represented his insecurities with affection and devotion. 

"I can be better," he said twice, looking at the mirror. "I deserve to be happy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go!!


	9. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and thank you @QueenC for the patience.
> 
> See you in the next one!

Alex slept like a baby that night. The conversation with his mum had drained him, leaving his body in a flat state. He needed the rest anyway because his mind was racing like a motorbike. 

In those moments, he preferred to be completely antisocial and enjoyed his time alone, but the purpose of his visit wasn’t gonna allow that. Alex had a dinner to attend at a fancy restaurant, and it was a reunion event with the gang he couldn’t miss.

He really missed Charlie and that was killing him inside, but he didn’t want to run to him without thinking properly and being sure that he was ready. Alex had to be responsible for his feelings and give himself to Charlie completely, not just a part of him. Charlie deserved something good, something real. 

His hair was a mess, but he still combed it and dressed accordingly to the place he was going. He took his mum’s car and entered the restaurant even before the time Tyler had texted them to be there. Tony and Caleb were already at the place. 

"Hey, look at this boy!” Said Tony.

"Congratulations. I heard the good news,” he shook hands first with Tony and then with Caleb, and they spoke about work for a while. 

Jess arrived with Zach and they both started monopolizing the conversation with their adventures. When Tyler came in, they sat for dinner. Alex greeted Estela and kissed her cheek. She was truly beautiful. They were all together at last, after a long period. 

  


When the dinner was finished, they stayed for drinks and moved all the chairs to sit in little groups. Jess and Ani found Alex in one of the corners and sat with him. 

"I heard something…" Started Jess. "Is Charlie here? Like, is he coming to the pre-wedding party tomorrow?"

"Yes," Alex laughed at her reaction. "We came together, but then I fucked up like predictable, and now he has given me till tomorrow to make up my mind."

"Oh, no," Ani was devastated. "I was hoping for good news." 

"What are you gonna do? You should take Cookies back." Jess was clear and concise. "Alex, if you're smart, you will. You were pinning on the phone like a week ago."

"I know. I... I was having some doubts, ok? I want him but there is so much more than that."

  


"Well, you have the most important thing, in my opinion.”

Ani told them about his boyfriend, and how their life was in L.A. Alex was listening, but not really paying attention if he was being honest. His head was roaming again, from his life and his job to Charlie and Lucy.

They all left considerably early, excited about the party the day after, where both families were reuniting and even friends from university were traveling to Evergreen. 

  


Alex was even more excited about Charlie coming to the party. Would he fulfill his word? Was he waiting for him and his decision? He tried to sleep, but it was hard. 

He woke up quite late and spent some time with his family before getting ready for the party. It was an afternoon cocktail party so he chose a pair of green summer khakis and a white shirt a little bit rolled to his elbow. The brunette was feeling comfortable but elegant, without taking all the attention from the marrying couple. 

The venue they chose looked like a maisonette and had some country vibes to it. Alex liked the decorations and the setup. It made him feel like he was in the middle of the forest, in a comfortable but luxurious cabin. He looked for his friends and found them gathering around something, their voices sweet and cooing. It was a kid’s chair and it belonged to sweet Lucy, obviously. 

She was amazed by the attention, lifting her hands to be freed from the chair. Jess and Ani were the most excited ones of the group, yelling and giggling with high pitched voices. 

Alex was paralyzed in the middle of the room. He took a look at Charlie and his patient smile before making himself noticed. There, in Charlie’s expression, he just could see a home, a push of day-to-day life and lazy mornings. Charlie was like a magnet to him with that stupidly cute dotted shirt and beige trousers, proud eyes, and gentle hands. 

  


Tyler saw Alex and ran to greet him. 

"You’re here! Do you like the house?" He patted his shoulder and turned his gaze to Charlie. "They are mesmerized with the baby. You should save him."

  


But he saved me, he wanted to say. 

"It is perfect, Ty. I hadn’t seen Jess act like this before, and I’ve seen her making congressmen blush,” Alex smiled. "Mother instinct is calling."

  


Jess lifted her head.

  


"Shut up, Alex."

At that moment, Charlie looked at him and smiled warmly. Selfishly speaking, he wanted to take him from that circle of curious gazes and enjoy his private company like in San Francisco.

Well, that was something. He could say his decision was almost made. 

The reality was that Alex couldn’t really be alone with Charlie all evening, as he was a magnet to young mothers, grandmothers, and women in general. Zach joked at how he should have a kid to be so successful, but Clay pointed out how he was famous and basically a thirst trap without taking any extra responsibilities. 

"Look, they love him," Zach shook Alex by the shoulders. "You should do something before he comes out of there engaged like Tyler."

"You're not funny, and I think that’s slightly misogynist. Women are not just interested in good fathers."

  


"What? Have you seen him? If you don’t marry him, I will."

  


"What are you drinking?"

  


"Soda. I’m eight years sober." They looked at each other and laughed. 

  


"I’m glad."

"I’m gladdest." Zach drank from his glass. "I mean it. I think he is too polite to excuse himself, but he wants to be with you. He is looking when you're distracted."

Alex had the decency of looking at Charlie with a soft gaze and not the longing one he was avoiding. At last, Charlie was free from advice and praise and approached him, and Alex was as nervous as that time they won prom royalty. 

"You are very popular." Alex sounded flirty and a little bit jealous. "Don’t say anything but you and Lucy are the spotlight of this party. By the way, where is the little unicorn?"

  


"Aunt Jess. She called herself that, it wasn’t my idea."

  


"Is she showing her how to avoid toxic masculinity?"

"I hope so," Charlie looked at him with enough intensity. "How are you?"

"I’m better now." How playful they could be with each other, and at the same time how hard it was sometimes. "But I wish I was home."

"Oh yes... So you could be with your parents?" Charlie mentioned.

"No, I mean, it's pretty great but… I wish I was in San Francisco, in your warm living room, eating your messy meatballs and playing with those stuffed animals Lucy adores." He looked at Charlie just asking him to understand his confession.

"Alex." He sounded tired. "You can say that, but you also need to commit to it. I can’t live with wishful words instead of facts."

"I know. I’m saying that I’ve never felt so at home like when I am with you, and that realization took me by surprise. You can see that." Alex moved slightly to be in front of him. "But I want to go with you because I want to wake up by your side and to have shampoo in my hair and tomato sauce in my shirt. And I know this is real because it sounds so ridiculous that it must be love. It is not reasonable."

Charlie had tears forming in his clear eyes like he was expecting that confession all his life and still could surprise him to hear it at last. Alex touched his arm to come near him. Charlie was shivering and that was evident in his voice. 

"Lucy is the most important thing in my life and I will never put you before her, but I will love you, Alex, with the rest of my heart, and she will do the same.”

Alex laughed.

"I was expecting exactly that, and I wouldn’t want it differently. One day at a time..." He couldn’t finish talking because Charlie’s lips were on his without warning. 

  


He lost himself in the kiss like it was the first one. After a few seconds, he noticed a salty flavor in his mouth. Charlie was fully crying. 

"You’re so sensitive and sweet," Alex laughed, still a few inches away. "I missed you. I’ve been missing you for seven years."

Probably that sentence sounded cheesy. How could Alex miss seven months for seven years? It wasn’t like that. He wasn’t missing young Charlie, or at least not a hundred percent of what they'd had, but he was looking for something like what older Charlie was offering him. A home, love, space, and understanding.

He was so endorsed in Charlie’s presence that he didn’t hear somebody was clapping. He looked up Charlie’s shoulders and saw Jess, but she wasn’t the one applauding. She was holding Lucy and the little girl was smiling and clapping quietly. 

"She loves emotive moments. I don’t blame her." Jess smiled at them. "You’re so fucking cute."

  


"Jess! Language." Charlie reprimanded her. 

  


"Ups, sorry. Just let me babysit from time to time and I promise you not to swear. You need some time alone."

Charlie accepted, half-joking. From that moment, the evening just got better. It had a beautiful speech and Tyler cried tears of joy. They kept themselves updated on their lives and promised to stay that way (at least until the wedding, that was in a couple of months). Tyler said goodbye to Lucy in a goofy way and the girl giggled.

"I suppose you'll come as Alex's plus one, but I want to tell you you’re totally invited to the wedding, even if this idiot dumps you. In which case, I will kill him.” He told Charlie. 

Alex rolled his eyes. The other attendants were leaving, but Alex didn’t want to let go of Charlie, even if they were traveling back to San Francisco together. The teacher read his mind, though.

"Look, I was thinking you could come home with me. My dad's on a work trip."

  


"Are you seventeen again, Charles?" Said Alex in a seductive way.

"Whatever. I will sing a lullaby to Lucy and watch TV till I fall asleep if you don't want to come," Charlie was trying to sound unbothered. 

  


"Ok. I will be there."

They bathed Lucy and put her into bed together, with silly kisses here and there, baby songs and funny stories. The child finally fell asleep and the two men retired to Charlie’s bedroom, kissing on the way.

"I’m having flashbacks." Alex laughed. Charlie was walking him backwards and they were tripping in literally everything on the way. 

They fell into bed as one, without stopping the warm smiles and the inside jokes. Charlie looked at Alex with fondness. 

"It's like nothing changed." He confessed. 

"But many things changed, Charlie. We did, and that’s not bad. I like what I see now. You are confident but in a different way."

  


"I’m confident you want to take my clothes off." He whispered.

"Precisely," Alex did what he was hoping for hours. "As much as I like this shirt, it’s in my way now.

He kissed his chest with fervor, getting rid of Charlie’s shirt and moving his hips to feel his hardness through his trousers. Charlie pinned him to the bed, taking back the control. 

  


He took all the time in the world to undress Alex, probably on purpose, enjoying the soft gasps that were abandoning the shorter man’s lips. 

"Look at you," Charlie hadn’t changed the way he treated him when they were making love, all reassuring looks and caring expressions. "You’re so beautiful, Alex, even more than the first time I had you like this."

"What would you say if I have you tonight?” Alex moved forward to roll them over. He wanted to love like Charlie was loving. 

He loved every freckle, every curve of muscle. He loved the way his back arched when Alex’s tongue made its way from his abdomen to his pubic area, and loved every sound that abandoned his lips when Alex took him in his mouth. 

Charlie was melting under his attentions, like hot caramel, trying his best to contain the moans, eyes fluttering in response. 

"Never say I’m beautiful again." Charlie opened his eyes from the interruption, following his voice. 

  


"Don’t tease me." He sighed with the smallest voice.

"Ok. Bossy,” Alex smiled. His lips were shining with saliva and anticipation. 

Just the image of Charlie’s long, muscular legs around his waist proved to be enough to have him on edge, but it was just the beginning. Charlie was vocal, participative, and sweet. He looked so young just like that, all pink cheeks and intuitive eyes, that if it wasn’t for the stubble, Alex would have felt really bad. 

One of Alex’s teens asked once what was the difference between fucking and making love. He answered that sex was always sex, and making love was getting up without waking your lover and preparing breakfast, or filling the bath for them. 

Bullshit. He discovered exactly what making love was. It was connection, electricity, and giving yourself in ways you would never think possible. It was touching Charlie too much to see his blissed gaze, and not enough because he didn’t want that moment to finish. 

  


"Oh, shit, Charlie. You’re gonna wake up Lucy." Alex kissed him to cover his moans. 

He lost himself in Charlie’s eyes and their pleasure, and when it was finished, he fell into Charlie’s embrace like Babylon's tower. Charlie was panting but his hand caressed Alex’s back. Their eyes locked.

"Fuck," Alex was feeling the adrenaline running through his muscles. "Charlie, shit... I... I love you."

Charlie smiled. He was a sunflower.

"Language, Alex." He patted his ass softly. "I love you too."

Making love was that too. Forgetting the gross part after sex to just kiss the love of your life slowly, trying to memorize every sensation.

San Francisco, Evergreen, L.A, it didn’t matter. They could build a shelter, make a home of just three people and rushed mornings, parents' meetings, and quiet evenings. 

But a home nonetheless. 

* * *

2035 

"Dad! My soccer uniform!" The braided girl jumped from the bed. "I’m late for practice!"

  


Alex ran so fast that his reading glasses were falling from his nose. 

"It’s in the... Washing machine? I think."

  


"Call Daddy!"

  


"What? Daddy knows everything or what?"

Lucy looked at his stepfather with an amused expression. It was so unexpected to see how some of her manners were so similar to her father’s husband. It was clear, both had raised her. 

"Jess is coming with Louis." Louis was her adopted son. She was tired of looking for a husband to form family so she took the matter on her own hands. 

  


He had to call Charlie, like that last time with the parents' authorization for the zoo’s visit or the science project. Alex was writing a book about his experiences, and being physically home wasn’t the same as 'being home' but he loved Lucy, so he tried.

"Ok. Laundry room."

  


The girl changed and both jumped the porch stairs to the car.

  


"Tell me. What would you do without Daddy?"

  


"Without your father? Absolutely nothing. But don’t tell him or he will annoy the crap out of me."

  


"Dad! Language."

  


He started the engine and sighed. God, he loved his life so much. 


End file.
